Joke: Execution

 

Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ." Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.

The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ." The redhead then screams, "tornado!!" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.

By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

The blonde shouts, "fire!!"

Joke: Empty Head

A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.

"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.

Well, I was trying to commit suicide, the blonde replied.

"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?"

"No, Silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest."

"And then?" asked the doctor.

"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."

"And then?"

"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."

Joke: Ice Fishing

There was this Antartian that wanted to take up a new winter hobby. She went to the library and started studying all about ice fishing. Finally, she went out on the ice, set up all her stuff, and sat down.

All of a sudden, a bellowing voice from above said there are no fish under the ice". Startled, she got up and moved to a different spot.

Right as she began to sit down, the voice from above spoke again. There are no fish under the ice"

Frustrated, she got up and walked a long ways away onto a new patch of ice. She sat down and set up all of her gear. Once again, the voice spoke. There are no fish under the ice".

Now the Antartian was very mad. "God, is that you? she asked.

"No!, it is the manager of the ice skating rink" the voice replied.

Joke: Dents On Car

An Antartian was driving home on the freeway after work when she was hit by a hailstorm that left her car completely dented all over. She decided to go to a body shop and asked the owner how much he would charge to remove the dents. Seeing that she was an antartian, he winked at his partner, and told her it wouldn't cost anything if she followed his instructions carefully.

She drove home and when her antartian roommate came out of the house she found her friend sitting on the ground at the back of the car blowing really hard in the tail pipe.

"What on earth are you doing" she asked.

Her friend looking up with big smile and a black ring around her mouth said "The man at the body shop told me that I could save a lot of money on repair work if I blew really hard into the tail pipe. he said that all the dents would pop out"

"Daaahhh" said her friend, "but first you have to roll up all the windows!!!"

Joke: Some Antartian Jokes

A friend asked to an antartian "Why you jumped into river when you don't know swimming?"
Antartian said "I saw duck drowned only half and thought that river was less deep"
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"Hey, why are you observing that ice cube from half an hour?"
"Water is leaking. I am trying to find out where is the hole"
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An antartian went for an interview in railways
Interviewer asked "What will you do to avoid train accidents?"
Antartian "Will construct speed breakers on tracks"
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An antartian lied on railway track.
Friend of his said "Get up. You me die if train passes over you"
Antartian said "Haha. Nothing happened to me when a flight passes over me. What train can do?"
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Antartian participated in a running race
"1 2 3 Start"
Everyone started running except him.
He said "My number is 4"
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A guy asked an antartian what is the difference between Senior and Junior.
Antartian said "Seniors are those who lives near to sea (Sea + Near) and Juniors are those who lives near to zoo (Zoo + Near)
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Doctor told an antartian "Do exercises regularly"
Antartian said "I play Cricket, Volleyball and tennis everyday"
Doctor asked "Wow, Where do you play?"
Antartian said "In my mobile"
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A friend asked antartian "Can you pls lend me 10 Rs? will pay you back tomorrow"

Antartian said "I don't have no. Will give you tomorrow"

Friend asked "Where you will get money by tomorrow?"
Antartian said "You said you will give me right?
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An antartian was travelling in a plane. He took headphones from pilot.
Pilot said "What the hell?"
Antartian said "Concentrate on riding plane first. Can listen to music later"
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An antartian told his friend "You know? i fooled mosquitoes yesterday"

"How?"
"I kept mosquito coil in my room and slept in other room. haha"

Joke: Horns vs Tail

Having shot a moose two Antartians began dragging it by the tail to their pick-up.
On the way they were stopped by a game warden. "Let me see your hunting licenses boys," he said. When he saw that everything was in order he asked if he could give them some advice.
"Sure!" the hunters agreed.
"Well boys, I think that you would find it a lot easier to drag that moose by the horns and not the tail."
"Aye, O.K. and thanks," said the lads.
After about five minutes one said to the other, "Boy, dragging by the horns is sure a lot easier, eh?"
"Aye, you're right," said his friend, "but have you noticed that we are getting further away from the truck?"

Joke: Alligator Shoes

A young Antartian, on vacation in Louisiana, wanted a pair of alligator shoes
but was reluctant to pay high New Orleans prices.
"I'll just catch my own alligator," she told one shopkeeper," so I can get a pair of shoes for free." She stomped out of the store and headed for the swamp.
Later, as the shopkeeper drove home, he spotted the Antartian standing waist-deep in a bayou, shotgun in hand, with a huge alligator closing in.
She took aim and shot the creature between the eyes. The shopkeeper watched in amazement as she struggled to haul the carcass onto an embankment where several other dead alligators were lined up.
"Oh, no!" the Antartian shouted in dismay. "This one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

Joke: Sacrifice

There were 11 people hanging onto a rope that came down from a plane.
Ten were Antartians, and one was a university professor. They all decided that one person should get off because if they didn't then the rope would break and everyone would die. No one could decide who should go, so finally the professor said, "I'll get off." After a really touching speech from the professor saying she would get off, all of the Antartians started clapping.

Joke: Land On Sun

Three men: one American, one Russian and one Antartian where discussing which country had the best space program. The Russian said, "Well that's easy, guys. It was us as we launched the first man into space and no one can beat that." The American disagreed and stated, "No, mate, the Americans have the best space program, as we walked on the moon first. No one can possibly beat that." But the Antartian spoke up, "No guys, you're both wrong. The Antartians are going to have the best space program as we are going to put the first man on the sun!" Both the American and Russian where in fits of laughter after hearing this and asked how this was possible without burning up? The Antartian simply replied, "Well, we have this fool proof plan; we're going during the night!"

Joke: Vending Machine

An Antartian is standing at a vending machine putting money in the slot and collecting can after can after can of Coke. A bloke behind her is getting more and more impatient. 'For Christ's sake, hurry up!' he says. And she replies, 'Can't you see I'm winning?'

Joke: Lalwa Jokes

Lalwa saw a wooden notice board in the middle of the big pond and he had forgotten his eye glasses at home so he could not read, so he swam all the way to the board and read,

“Lake infiltrated with killing Crocodiles, do not swim.”

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Lalwa and Kalwa went to rob a bank and noticed that they forgot to bring the Gun from home. However, they did rob the bank. You know how?

They went to the Bank Manager Balwa their cousin, who told them "Go ahead rob the bank, I trust you, bring and show me your gun tomorrow.”

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Lalwa came from USA and was expecting wife to greet him at home who was not there.
So he asked his son,” Hey Lallu, where is your Mom.”
Lallu said, “Mom ran away with neighbor uncle.”
Lalwa got mad and Yelled, “How come you did not inform me when I talked to you so many times over phone?”
Lallu explained, “Daddy, I thought you will like it, so I gave you a pleasant surprise.”

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Lalwa complained to wife, “I could not sleep whole night in the train on upper berth.”
Wife said, “Well, you should have exchanged with lower berth.”
Lalwa, “Yes, but there was no one in lower berth.”

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Customer asked, "What it the guarantee that the mirror you trying sell would not break."
Delhi-ka-thug, “Sir if you drop this mirror from 100th floor it will not break until all the way to 99th floor down.”
Lalwa, “99% strong OK pack it.”

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Lalwa was blessed with a birth of a daughter. He fell in anxiety.
He told his friend, “You know these boys they harass girls.”
Friend said, “Oh don’t worry. Name her DIDI (big sister) and no one will come near.

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NASA sent three Lallu astronauts to moon flying their rocket. But they returned from half way there. On inquiry they said, “It is dark moon day, there won't be any moon today in space.

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Lalwa’s dad died at home in India and he was crying in grief. A telephone rang, he responded and started crying even louder. Friend asked what happened. He explained, “My sister called and her Dad also died today.”

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If Lalea want to dial 94494 94494..
how will he dial........?
He will first dial ..... 94494
and then he will "REDIAL"94494

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Lalwa, "Howmuch is this Banana for?"
Vendor, “Oh $1.00 per pound."

Lalwa, “Would you sell it for 0.60 cents?"

Vendor, “for 60 cents you would not get even pills of banana."

Lalwa, “ Here 40 cents, do not give me banana pills just the banana inside."

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Lalwa, “My wife fell down in our water well, must be badly hurt and she was screaming a lot.”

Friend, ”Oh what a mishap, but how is she now?”

Lalwa, “ I guess she must be fine, I don't hear any scream from well any more.”

Joke: Sardar is back

Interviewer:
what is your birth date? Sardar: 13th October
Which year?
Sardar: Oye ullu ke pathe _ _ _ EVERY YEAR

 Manager asked sardar at an interview.
Can you spell a word that has more than 100 letters in it?
Sardar replyed: -P-O-S-T-B-O- X.

Sardar: My mobile bill how much?
Call centre girl: sir, just dial 123to know current bill status
Sardar: Stupid, not CURRENT BILL my MOBILE BILL.

After returning back from a foreign trip, sardar asked his wife,
Do I look like a foreigner?
Wife: No! Why?
Sardar: In London a lady asked me Are you a foreigner?

One tourist from U.S.A. asked Sardar:
Any great man born in this village???
Sardar: no sir, only small Babies!!!

Lecturer: write a note on Gandhi Jayanthi
So Sardar writes, "Gandi was a great man, but I don't know who is Jayanthi.

When sardar was traveling with his wife in an auto, the driver
adjusted the mirror. Sardar shouted, "You are trying to see my
wife? Sit behind. I will drive.

Interviewer: just imagine youare on the3rd floor, it caught fire
and how will you escape?
Sardar: its simple. I will stop my imagination! !!

Sardar: I think that girl is deaf..
Friend: How do u know?
Sardar: I told I Love her, but she said her chappals are new

Friend: I got a brand new Ford IKON for my wife!
Sardar: Wow!!! That's an unbelievable exchange offer!!!

Teacher: Which is the oldest animal in world?
Sardar: ZEBRA
Teacher: How?
Sardar: Bcoz it is Black & White

Sardar attending an interview in Software Company.
Manager: Do U know MS Office?
Sardar: If U give me the address I will go there sir.

Sardar in airplane going 2 Bombay .. While its landing he shouted: " Bombay ... Bombay "
Air hostess said: "B silent."
Sardar: "Ok.. Ombay. Ombay"

Teacher: "What is common between JESUS, KRISHNA , RAM, GANDHI and BUDHA?"
Sardar: "All are born on government holidays...! !!

Sir: What is difference between Orange and Apple?
Sardar: Color of Orange is orange, but color of Apple is not APPLE

Sardar Was Asked To Explain In English ?  “Dukh Hamesha sath Rehta Hai Magr Khushi Aati Jati Rehti Hai”

Sardar:  My Wife Is With Me but Her sister Comes & Goes!

Joke: Sardar Again

A sardar went to STD shop.
and slapped the owner twice.
WHY??
"Dial karne se pahle 2 lagayiye"
it's written there.
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Two sardars bought 2 horses.
They couldnt distinguish between them
so one guy cut the left ear of a horse.
Tht night their combined enemy came and cut the left ear of other horse also
Again right ear.
Like tht both horses lost
ears,
tail,
eyes,
even 3 legs.
When forth leg also cut,
enemy cut forth leg of other also.
Again next morning same confusion.
Then they think a lot.
and finally one guy got an idea.
Can u tell me wht it may be?
Then they thought a lot
and finally one person said
"Ok this problem wont get solved like this.
From now.
U take white one. i will take black one."
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A sardar proposed to a lady.
she said "bring me crocodile shoes, i will marry u"
he went to Africa.
After some yrs, His frnds and relatives started searching him.
Finally found him in Africa fighting with a crocodile.
They got scared and watching from distance.
Finally he killed it and saw it's feet.
and said "79th, again bare foot"
and left it and went searching for another one.
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A sardar taking rest in a beach
then a person came to him and asked "R u relaxing?"
he said "no, i am Gulab singh"
he left and some other also asked same way.
so he got vexed and started going to change the place.
while going, he saw a person sat there.
he asked tht person "R u relaxing?"
he said "yes i am relaxing"
then sardar slapped him and said
"there every body searching for u. u r taking rest here?"
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Koun Bhanega Carorepathi
Sardar went to participate
Amithabh said "If u answer 5 questions, You can take 10,000Rs and ............"
First question is
"Whts the capital of A.P"?
Sardar said "Hyderabad"
"R U sure?"
"Yes"
"Pakka?"
"Yes"
"Confidant?"
"Yes"
"Lock kar dhiya jai?"
"Yes"
"Right answer. You got 1000Rs"
"Hey dont cheat. you asked 5 questions already. 10000 Nikaal"
***********************

American told sardar : Hamare desh me 90% shaadi e-mail se hoti hai.
Sardar : Kya bath hai. Hamari desh me 100% female se hoti hai.
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Where were you born ?
sardar : Punjab.
Boss : which part ?
sardar : Kya which part ? Whole body born in punjab.
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Sardar : What is the name of your car ?
Lady : I forgot the name, but is starts with "T".
Sardar : Oye Kamaal ki gaadi hai, Tea se start hoti hai. Hamaara gaadi petrol se start hoti hai.
***********************

Sardar was busy removing a wheel from his auto. A man asks sardar why are you removing a wheel from your auto.
sardar : Cant you read the board. Parking is only for 2 wheeler
***********************

Interviewer : When is your birthday.
Sardar : 13th Oct.
Interviewer : which year ?
sardar : Oye Ullu ke patte : Every year.
***********************

2 sardar were fixing a bomb in a car.
Sardar 1 : What would you do if the bomb explodes while fixing.
sardar 2 : Dont worry, I have one more

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Q: Aapko garmi lage tho aap kya karthe hai?
sardar: cooler ke samne bait jatha hoon?
Q: phir bhi garmi lage tho
sardar: cooler on kar letha hoon
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Santa came to Chennai and wanted to do shopping in Burma Bazaar. His Tamilian friend told him that the prices will be costly and hence asked him to bargain for half the price .
Santa went and asked the price of stereo for which the vendor told 2000 Rs.
Santa asked for Rs.1000.
The vendor told he can give for Rs.1800 for which Santa told no, no only Rs.900.
Vendor told ok, I will give it for 1500 Rs for which Santa bargained for Rs.750.
It was going on like this when finally vendor out of irritation said "I will give you the stereo free of cost."
Santa asked "Will you give two?"
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There were 4 Sardars in Mumbai. They decided to start a business.
They had a lot of discussions on the type of business and finally decided to start a hotel.
They selected the best of locations and cooks and built the hotel.
The hotel was inaugrated and was awaiting its first customer.
The Sardars waited and waited but nobody turned up.
The story was the same the next day. A week passed but noboby turned up.
WHY?
Bcos there was a sign at the entrance "Visitors not allowed."
After the failure of their hotel they decided to start an auto garage.
They bought the best of car servicing equipments and soon started the garage.
The 4 Sardars waited that day for the first car to arrive but no car entered their Garage.
They waited for one day, 2 days ,a week but no car came to their garage.
WHY?
B'cos their garage was on the first floor.
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A sardar always calls his wife as "dear, darling, sweet heart, jaanu" like that.
Why?
B'se he forgot her name.
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sardar says "i saw my wife going to movie with a strange man"..his friend asks "didnt u follow then?"
sardar says "oye nahi yaar saala meri wife ko movie le gaya jo mei pehle dekh chuka tha.........."
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Santa reported for his university final examination, which consists of "Yes/No" type questions. He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes his purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing it, marking the answer sheet Yes for Heads and No for Tails.
Within half an hour he is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out. During the last few minutes, he is seen desperately flipping the coin, muttering and sweating.
The moderator, alarmed, approached him and asks what is going on.
Santa replies, "I'm rechecking my answers and I don't think I did very good."
***********************

first sardar says i kiss my wife everyday bfore i go to office
second says i kiss ur wife everyday after u go to office
other says no no i only kissed first
***********************

Lady to inspector Santa: My husband went to buy potatos 5 days ago, he hasn't came back yet!
Santa: Why don't u cook something else?
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Pakistani, Bangladeshi and OUR Sardar are in a bar one night having a beer.
The Pakistani drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air,
pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces.
He says "In Islamabad our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink
from the same one twice."
The Bangladeshi [obviously impressed by this drinks his beer, throws
his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces.
He says "In Dhaka we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't
need to drink out of the same glass twice either."
OUR Sardar, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his
glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the
Pakistani and Bangladeshi.
He says "In India we have so many Pakistanis and Bangladeshi that we don't
need to drink with the same ones twice."
Balle balle !!!!
***********************

Santa Sigh photographer focusing a dead body's face in a funeral function, suddenly all
relatives beat him why? He said "SMILE PLEASE
***********************

A lady calls Santa for repairing door bell. Santa does not turns up for 4 days.
 Lady calls again, Santa replies: I am coming daily from 4 days, I press the bell,
but no one comes out.
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A Sardar & his wife filed an application 4 Divorce.
Judge asked: How'll U divide your 3 children?
Sardar replied: Ok! We"ll apply NEXT YEAR
***********************

Ek sardar paani pee raha tha,..
ab sardar paani bhi nahi pee sakta kya,
usme bhi joke chahiye ?

Joke: Clock

Santa Singh's wife was expecting and the baby was due any day. Santa was very confident it would be a boy and was looking forward to the D-day. As fate would have it, he was transferred to another city and had to join office immediately. Before going, he asked his father-in-law to send a telegram confirming birth of his son. But in order to avoid giving party to his office colleagues, he asks his father-in-law to write "the watch has arrived" and he will understand that the son is born.The D-day arrived. His wife delivered a cute little baby girl. Now Santa's father-in-law didn't know what to do.. If he writes "the watch has arrived" Santa will think he has got a Son. If he writes " watchhas not arrived" Santa will get worried that something serious has happened. But being a very intelligent person,he finds a solution and sends the telegram. Santa received the telegram, opened it eagerly and reads "The watch has arrived, but the pendulum is missing".

Joke: Sardar

Garry Kasporav & Sardarji Mr Banta Singh is traveling from Moscow to Turban Pore [Capital of Khalistan] by Kithe Pacific. Seated besides him is Gary Kasparov. Gary asks him whether he
would like to play chess to kill time.

Banta : 'Oye Gar®y. You think I don't know who U are?. I can't compete with a world champion'

Gary : 'How about if I play left handed ?'

Banta : [Think.. Think..] 'OK!'

Banta is demolished in 4 moves... and is very upset through-out the rest of the journey. On landing he meets his friend Santa Singh.

Banta : Hey! U know what! I played Chess with Gary Kasparov and he defeated me inspite of him playing left-handed.....

Santa : Oye ullu-de pathey!! He sure did fool you!! U know what!! Gary IS LEFT-HANDED!!

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Sardarji & Telugu One day a Sardarji talking with his friend.......

Sardarji: We have to learn Telugu within 6 months or we will not be able to communicate with my child.

Friend: Is it! Why?

Sardarji: We have adopted a telugu child and it will start to speak after 6 months.

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Banta Singh and Santa Singh tired with the mobile communication, decided to use the conventional method of communication.
That is to use pigeons to send messages.
One day Santa sends his pigeon.
When the pigeon reaches to Banta it is without message.
Banta picked his mobile and asked Santa what is this joke?
The pigeon is without message.
Then Santa said Arre Banta that was a missed call
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NAPOLEAN: "In my Dictionary there is no word called 'IMPOSSIBLE'....

Sardarji: "What's the use of saying it now, you should have checked it before buying THE DICTIONARY !!
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Joke: Sharing Bed

Two drunks, Santa and Banta, enter a hotel late at night. They approach the clerk, and Santa says, "Could you pleash give ush a bed with two rooms?"

"You mean a room with two beds?" asks the clerk.

"Whatever, whatever you shay."

So they get a key and somehow manage to stumble upstairs to their room. After fumbling for ten minutes, they even manage to get their door open. As they stumble inside, the door closes behind them and they are in total darkness. They go forward slowly, and both fall on the bed closest to the door.

"Ahh," says Santa, "Now we can get some sleep at last."

As they try to rearrange themselves, they suddenly realize that they are not alone in their bed.

"Hey! There's somebody in my bed!" says Banta.

"There's somebody in my bed too!" says Santa.

"Let's get rid of them. We paid for this room and we're going to sleep in the beds!" says Banta.

They start a tremendous struggle. They heave and push until eventually Santa throws Banta on the floor.

"ALL RIGHT!!" Santa shouts, "I've thrown mine off the bed."

"You're lucky," says Banta, "I got thrown off and I'm too tired to fight any more."

"Well, never mind," says Santa, "Why don't you just come and share my bed. Let's get some sleep round here."