Tuesday, 3 May 2011

Joke: Lawyers

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
  WITNESS:     He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'
  ATTORNEY:  And why did that upset you?
  WITNESS:     My name is Susan!

  ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
  WITNESS:     Yes.
  ATTORNEY:  And in what ways does it affect your memory?
  WITNESS:     I forget..
  ATTORNEY:  You forget?  Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
  ATTORNEY:  Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
  WITNESS:  Did you actually pass the bar exam?

  ATTORNEY:  The youngest son , the 20-year-old , how old is he?
  WITNESS:      He's 20 , much like your IQ.
  ATTORNEY:  Were you present when your picture was taken?
  WITNESS:     Are you shitting me?
   (My Favorite)
  ATTORNEY:  So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
  WITNESS:     Yes.
  ATTORNEY:  And what were you doing at that time?
  WITNESS:     Getting laid
   (Another favorite)
  ATTORNEY:  She had three children , right?
  WITNESS:     Yes.
  ATTORNEY:  How many were boys?
  ATTORNEY:   Were there any girls?
  WITNESS:      Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

  ATTORNEY:  How was your first marriage terminated?
  WITNESS:     By death..
  ATTORNEY:  And by whose death was it terminated?
  WITNESS:     Take a guess.

  ATTORNEY:  Can you describe the individual?
  WITNESS:     He was about medium height and had a beard
  ATTORNEY:  Was this a male or a female?
  WITNESS:     Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

  ATTORNEY:  Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
  WITNESS:  No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

  ATTORNEY:  Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
  WITNESS:     All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

  ATTORNEY:  ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to?
  WITNESS:     Oral..

  ATTORNEY:  Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
  WITNESS:     The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
  ATTORNEY:  And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
  WITNESS:     If not , he was by the time I finished.

  And last:

  ATTORNEY:  Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
  WITNESS:     No.
  ATTORNEY:  Did you check for blood pressure?
  WITNESS:     No.
  ATTORNEY:  Did you check for breathing?
  WITNESS:     No..
  ATTORNEY:  So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
  WITNESS:     No.
  ATTORNEY:  How can you be so sure, Doctor?
  WITNESS:     Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
  ATTORNEY:  I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
  WITNESS:     Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

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